Feedback please!

The friendliest place on the web for anyone that follows U2.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.

U2democrat

Blue Crack Addict
Joined
Aug 21, 2004
Messages
22,142
Location
England by way of 'Murica.
This is the personal statement I'll be sending into Christopher Newport. There's no specific topic or length, so this is what i wrote:

Politics; My pleasure, my passion, my obsession. My entire life has been surrounded by politics, and I have loved every minute of it. It all began on November 5, 1986 when I was born, the day after the midterm elections. Six years later, in 1992, I had the privilege of meeting my first politician, Senator Al Gore. Only a few months later, President Bill Clinton was elected and I turned a precocious six.
Over the next four years I paid little attention to politics until October of 1996, where at a rally for President Clinton, I sat high upon my dad’s shoulders. Hillary walked by shaking hands, looked up at me and said a chipper hello. After his speech, the President himself came by, spotted me and also called out a nice “Hi, sweetie!” On November 5th, both Election Day and my 10th birthday, I celebrated by hosting an Election/Birthday party. My friends and our parents watched the returns come in, and shouted with joy as state after state continued to light up with the President’s face. The reelection of President Clinton was the greatest present this ten year old could receive.
Another four years later, after Monica and Kosovo, the infamous 2000 election began. I educated myself on how primaries worked, rooting for Al Gore all the way. He was after all the first celebrity I had ever encountered. As it was narrowed down to Gore and Bush, I predicted that if then Governor Bush were to be elected, the United States was to go to war in Iraq. Little did I know how much of a political prohet I would become. The debacle in Florida only intensified my passion for the political field, as I would argue with my peers and even my Sunday School teachers.
A few months later my family and I moved from Lexington, Kentucky to Richmond, Virginia. The close proximity to our nation’s capital only fueled my excitement for politics. When I first laid eyes on the city after crossing the Potomac, I knew that this was where I belonged. I have since continued to build up connections, meeting Senator John Kerry twice, John Edwards, Wesley Clark, and even a brief hello to Al Sharpton. My road to Washington has just begun, and it should be a fascinating journey.

be COMPLETELY honest. hate it/love it, errors, etc. i want to make this as good as possible!
 
:eek:
You are exactly like me when I was your age (before I became bitter and disillusioned ;) ). I found a personal statement I wrote for an internship in DC four years ago, and it was scarily similar.

(I think it should be a colon after 'Politics' rather than a semicolon and then a lower case 'm' on 'my', but I may be completely wrong....it just jumped out at me.)

Good luck. :)
 
meegannie said:
:eek:
You are exactly like me when I was your age (before I became bitter and disillusioned ;) ). I found a personal statement I wrote for an internship in DC four years ago, and it was scarily similar.

(I think it should be a colon after 'Politics' rather than a semicolon and then a lower case 'm' on 'my', but I may be completely wrong....it just jumped out at me.)

Good luck. :)


hahahhaha good stuff :up:

yeah i didn't know what punctuation to use, so i threw in a semi-colon. i'll ask my english teacher and see what she thinks.
 
If it were mine....

Politics: My Pleasure, My Passion, My Obsession

My entire life has been surrounded by politics and I have loved every minute of it. I was born on November 5, 1986, the day after the midterm elections. Six years later, in 1992, I had the privilege of meeting my first politician, Senator Al Gore. A few months later, Bill Clinton was elected Presidant; I turned six.

I paid little attention to politics until I attended a rally for President Clinton on October of 1996. I watched from my perch on my dad's shoulders. Hillary Clinton passed by shaking hands, looked up at me and said, "Hello". After his speech, the President also came by, and said "Hi, sweetie!" On November 5th, both Election Day and my 10th birthday, I celebrated by hosting an Election/Birthday party. My friends, our parents, and I watched the returns come in and shouted with joy as state after state continued to light up with the President Clinton's face. The re-election of President Clinton was the greatest present.

Another four years later, after Monica and Kosovo, the infamous 2000 election began. (On my own?) I studied how primaries worked, rooting for Al Gore all the way. After all, he was the first celebrity I had ever encountered. As the race narrowed to Gore and Bush, I predicted that if Governor Bush won, the United States would go to war in Iraq. Little did I know how much of a political prohet I had become. The debacle in Florida intensified my passion for the political field, as I argued with my peers and even my Sunday School teachers.

A few months later my family and I moved from Lexington, Kentucky to Richmond, Virginia. The close proximity to our nation’s capital fueled my excitement for politics. When I first laid eyes on the city after crossing the Potomac, I knew that this was where I belonged.

I have continued to build up connections, meeting Senator John Kerry twice, John Edwards, Wesley Clark, and Al Sharpton. My road to Washington has just begun, and it should be a fascinating journey.

I made some minor changes. The last part (in bold) I would maybe change. It's a bit too cliche. Maybe replace it with a bit of how going to that particular college will contribute to your future political career. Basically, colleges want to know why you deserve to be accepted and why their institution will get you where you want to be. Also, since you started the essay with your birth, maybe get in some stuff about where you'd like to go in the future.

As far as technique, since it's such a short essay/whatever you want to call it, the key is to be as precise as possible. You should use the colon in the title. A semi-colon is more for connecting two ideas that could be sentences, but you want them connected for whatever reason.
 
OK, I thought about it a bit more and it's too late to edit my original post so here's some other suggestions:

Like I said before, you might want to tie in how going to college and going to their particular college fits into your political career. What kinds of organizations will you join or start? What classes or programs do they offer that are important to you? What are goals you hope to achieve while at their school? And what do you hope to take away from your experiences there?

Also, if politics is your selling point, I'd make sure to discuss what politics means to you and why as opposed to a time line of political events in your life thus far.

If they haven't given you any guideline or length requirements, take a good question or topic from another application and either use that or use it to help you write the essay with a specific question/topic in mind.
 
Just for kicks I downloaded the current application for my school and they have essay topics like:

"Why are you interested in attending X college?" (suggested length 200-300 words)

"Describe your involvement in community, church, volunteer, school, and job/career activities. Please note any leadership roles, diversity experiences, honors received, or other contributions you have made to these activities." (suggested length 500-1000 words)

"Write an essay describing two or three of these experiences which have been the most meaningful for you and carefully articulate what these activities have taught you." (suggested length 500-1000 words)

I'm not sure about other schools, but our app essays were also used in consideration of other scholarships so you want to be as complete as possible. Maybe use the info about how you began growing up around politics in your intro and then do the standard thesis/essay map where you present the different situations where politics has applied to your life and then use those as your points to elaborate on in the body. Then for a conclusion you could describe where you hope politics will take you in the future. :shrug:
 
Last edited:
Thanks for the advice. Yeah i couldn't think of a good way to end it so i threw in that cheesy last line, I will definitely change it. I'll change the semi colon to a colon, and i'll say something about CNU and how they could give me the opportunity to succeed in the future (especially since the president is a former senator). It'll be a week or so before i send in my actual application so i will use all of this advice, revise it, post the revised version, see what y'all think and send it off!
 
Very good U2democrat. I think it's wonderful that you are so politically minded at your age. I'm in my 40's and I love politics, and I am very involved in the Democratic Party not only national, but locally also. I have great admiration of you! :up: :applaud:
 
sounds good so far, u2democrat. i agree with livluv's suggestions--i think you need to say a little about your study plans at the university. you've certainly conveyed your passion and enthusiasm for politics, though.

best of luck with the applications!
 
Back
Top Bottom