Mrs. Garrison
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
Dear Bono, i know you won't read this but i hope you will. First off let me introduce myself; i am a simple nobody to you from middle America who posts bullshit on a message board devoted to your supreme greatness, nothing more and nothing less. Please excuse this mess of a post as i am not a very good writer even though English is my first language. Also i am mildly afflicted and frequently erratic so therefore my tendencies to go off on rants about nothing at all often overshadow my sincerity towards all things unusual and bizarre.
I realize that it is friday morning here in the U*S*A and i am supposed to be at some windowless building slaving away to earn the wages i will spend supporting your next world tour extravaganza. However i was granted a holiday today, which is something you are quite familiar with from what i have heard. But if there is one thing on this planet i rarely take a holiday from, it is being a hard core U2 fan. I have been a massive mega superfan for over 30 years, or at least since i was old enough to properly pronounce your name correctly (BONO was among the first words i ever spoke!). I have defended your band countless times against those mean spirited people who say awful things about you and your motives. How could they be so cruel?
I understood why you met with all of those politicians and world leaders and i know with all of my heart it had absolutely nothing to do with your massive ego or your desire to rub noses with the elites of the world. I know deep down you only did it for good charitable causes. And i know deep down in your heart you are only doing God's work, as you and God are pretty much on equal footing. In fact, sometimes at night when i pray to God - don't tell anyone - but deep down i am really thinking about you instead. I know this spiritual infidelity will do me no good.
I have been thinking a lot recently about your tax woes in your home country of Ireland. I want to set up a Go-fund-me site to help collect donations to pay your taxes. Please don't take this the wrong way, i know it is an embarrassing issue for you and all, but it's the least we can do. In fact we can do so much more. After-all, where you live should not decide
whether you live or whether you die. You have spent a good part of your life waiting on the crumbs from our table. Maybe it's time we opened the door and let you in - you look as though you haven't had a decent meal in ages.
The Clinton Foundation deal you made to be able to broadcast live from the International Space Station, what a brilliant move from an absolute genius! Only YOU could have come up with such a noble gesture! To think of the lives you have saved by doing such an event....why personally i witnessed thousands of miracles at each of the 79 shows i attended on the 360 Tour. All of those massive stages and all of those hundreds of trucks driving around the globe and setting up your nightly throne, what a spiritual awakening! You are personally responsible for saving souls and keeping us from the great lake of heck that awaits the few deplorable non-u2 fans in the world.
I also want to thank you for supporting our great crusades that began in the spring of 2003 and are still ongoing. Without your support of our Godly
efforts (see what i did there), we would have never been successful in pulling it all off. I am actually planning a trip to Iraq in the spring to go on a country wide speaking tour in which i will personally thank the good people of Iraq for accepting our bombs and embracing our way of life with open arms. We could have never done all of this without you!
And finally i want to think you so much for you expert advice on the 2016 presidential erection. Every living person on this planet has taken note and our hearts and souls are open to your message. We realize deep down that you are stronger together with Goddess Hillary. I pray every day for wisdom and clarity when i hear you speak into a bullhorn. If i had a star spangled bullhorn i would sleep with it next to my pillow along with my favorite book U2 by U2.
Please let your fellow band mates know how I feel. Whether it is Mr. The Edge who is building a compound on the hillside in Malibu, or Adam Clayton in his castle overlooking that mean spirited school who once expelled him, or Larry Mullen in his own private village. My love for all things u2 is eternal and i am so humbled that you care enough about me to give proper direction in my life. Your words and wisdom have literally saved my life and made me who i am today. Without you i would surely crumble.
If there is anything i can ever do for you in return Saint Bono, please speak to my soul and just know, your wish is my command. If you need the windows washed in your New York penthouse, i am your guy! If you need the luggage carried from one of your private jets to your waiting limos, im your dude! If you need someone to stand guard outside of your Dublin Mansion and polish the gates...count me in! If you need someone to occupy the sand outside of your beach house in France and stop filthy peasants from recording your angelic couplets, i will be there for you. These five words i swear to you. In fact, i would be the echo in your seashell. The lingering memory of your dreams. The wind beneath your wings and the ground beneath your feet.
Your fan forever
Mrs. Garrison
P.S. I am a pretty good foot washer also.
<---my two heroes!
<---- Deep in thought
<--- i am thinking of an epic song here
<--- reminds me i need to get my colin checked
<--- doing more of God's work
<--- is that Vladimir Putin, champion of gay rights?
<--- "I bet they are discussing Pussy Riot
<--- "c'mon over here Bono i want you to meet 'the energizer' she's something else!"
<--- "hey Bono, remember that time i bombed the holy hell out of Bagdad - must of been 1998 - when the media was all over me on that Lewinsky thing?"
<--- actually this should be the other way around, Premier Clinton should be bowing to His Holiness 
I realize that it is friday morning here in the U*S*A and i am supposed to be at some windowless building slaving away to earn the wages i will spend supporting your next world tour extravaganza. However i was granted a holiday today, which is something you are quite familiar with from what i have heard. But if there is one thing on this planet i rarely take a holiday from, it is being a hard core U2 fan. I have been a massive mega superfan for over 30 years, or at least since i was old enough to properly pronounce your name correctly (BONO was among the first words i ever spoke!). I have defended your band countless times against those mean spirited people who say awful things about you and your motives. How could they be so cruel?
I understood why you met with all of those politicians and world leaders and i know with all of my heart it had absolutely nothing to do with your massive ego or your desire to rub noses with the elites of the world. I know deep down you only did it for good charitable causes. And i know deep down in your heart you are only doing God's work, as you and God are pretty much on equal footing. In fact, sometimes at night when i pray to God - don't tell anyone - but deep down i am really thinking about you instead. I know this spiritual infidelity will do me no good.
I have been thinking a lot recently about your tax woes in your home country of Ireland. I want to set up a Go-fund-me site to help collect donations to pay your taxes. Please don't take this the wrong way, i know it is an embarrassing issue for you and all, but it's the least we can do. In fact we can do so much more. After-all, where you live should not decide
whether you live or whether you die. You have spent a good part of your life waiting on the crumbs from our table. Maybe it's time we opened the door and let you in - you look as though you haven't had a decent meal in ages.
The Clinton Foundation deal you made to be able to broadcast live from the International Space Station, what a brilliant move from an absolute genius! Only YOU could have come up with such a noble gesture! To think of the lives you have saved by doing such an event....why personally i witnessed thousands of miracles at each of the 79 shows i attended on the 360 Tour. All of those massive stages and all of those hundreds of trucks driving around the globe and setting up your nightly throne, what a spiritual awakening! You are personally responsible for saving souls and keeping us from the great lake of heck that awaits the few deplorable non-u2 fans in the world.
I also want to thank you for supporting our great crusades that began in the spring of 2003 and are still ongoing. Without your support of our Godly
efforts (see what i did there), we would have never been successful in pulling it all off. I am actually planning a trip to Iraq in the spring to go on a country wide speaking tour in which i will personally thank the good people of Iraq for accepting our bombs and embracing our way of life with open arms. We could have never done all of this without you!And finally i want to think you so much for you expert advice on the 2016 presidential erection. Every living person on this planet has taken note and our hearts and souls are open to your message. We realize deep down that you are stronger together with Goddess Hillary. I pray every day for wisdom and clarity when i hear you speak into a bullhorn. If i had a star spangled bullhorn i would sleep with it next to my pillow along with my favorite book U2 by U2.
Please let your fellow band mates know how I feel. Whether it is Mr. The Edge who is building a compound on the hillside in Malibu, or Adam Clayton in his castle overlooking that mean spirited school who once expelled him, or Larry Mullen in his own private village. My love for all things u2 is eternal and i am so humbled that you care enough about me to give proper direction in my life. Your words and wisdom have literally saved my life and made me who i am today. Without you i would surely crumble.
If there is anything i can ever do for you in return Saint Bono, please speak to my soul and just know, your wish is my command. If you need the windows washed in your New York penthouse, i am your guy! If you need the luggage carried from one of your private jets to your waiting limos, im your dude! If you need someone to stand guard outside of your Dublin Mansion and polish the gates...count me in! If you need someone to occupy the sand outside of your beach house in France and stop filthy peasants from recording your angelic couplets, i will be there for you. These five words i swear to you. In fact, i would be the echo in your seashell. The lingering memory of your dreams. The wind beneath your wings and the ground beneath your feet.
Your fan forever
Mrs. Garrison
P.S. I am a pretty good foot washer also.
